Earlier this month I was invited by the lovely founder of Mentally Shredded, Christopher Weedon, to share my personal story at his Global Voices Unite: Stories of Triumph storytelling event for Suicide Prevention Month.
This story of mine isn’t one I hide, I just hadn’t seen the opportunity to share it… until now.
PLEASE NOTE THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME.
If you prefer to watch the recording then scroll to the bottom of the page š but if you’re one for reading then read on…
Looking at me now you may assume that things have always been on a relatively positive trajectory and Iāve always “had it togetherā … but it wasnāt that long ago that I was in an extremely dark placeā¦
I was ready to end my lifeā¦
and I was admitted to The Priory mental hospital and rehab centre where I stayed in residential care for a month over Christmas and New Year.
To put it (extremely) mildly… my life had become unmanageable.
I was suicidal.
Mentally and spiritually broken.
And the memories I can recall in the lead up I can only describe as DARK.
Everyday I was trapped in this haze of darkness.
My body riddled with anxiety.
My mind constantly racing.
And paranoia consumed me daily as I pretended to friends, family, employers, co workers – basically everyone on the outside world – that I was OKā¦ that I was āFINEā
In rehab we actually learnt a new meaning for the word F-I-N-E
Fucked Up.
Insecure.
Neurotic.
and Emotional.
Yup, that was me.
And everyone else in there.
But also how many people feel who arenāt in rehab facilitiesā¦
Maybe itās even something you can relate to or identify with aswell?
My “spiritual unrest” dates back for as long as I can rememberā¦
It manifested with eating disorders in my early teens and then self-harming and substance abuse into my 20ās: my drugs of choice being alcohol and cocaine.
Now, I believe all these things to be a symptom and not a cause of a problem.
Of course my actions/using added insult to injury and absolutely compounded the problem, but things got as bad as they did as I continually enabled myself.
I actively sought out environments that supported my negative thought patterns and self destructive behaviours which then normalised it for me and enabled me to continually destruct myself and go down a path of further pain, misery, and darkness.
I sought out pro-anorexia sites online – and obsessed over them into the early hours of the morning as I was so wired and high on diet pills.
I found/curated a group of girls at school who wanted to carve pentacles into their arms under the guise of fun and cool.
And I hung out at pretty grim pubs and picked up new āfriendsā who – like me – wanted to “get out of it” by intoxicating themselves and staying up for days sniffing coke.
It was all me.
Everyone else was merely players who I invited to join me in my game of self loathing and lack of self acceptance.
And lack of self acceptance is where I believe it all began.
On the outside I was a happy and enthusiastic child, but while my childhood memory is a little hazy… I donāt think I really ever felt that I fitted in – not just with other people, but generally within the world as I thought it to be.
I wasnāt sure of my āplace”.
I know now that I’m wired differently.
And every single one of us is wired differently to each other.
And it’s the denial of our own wiring – and ultimately our true selves – that takes us to detrimental and dangerous places.
And it’s this that I believe led me down the path of self-destruct.
As human beings we are hard-wired for connection – itās a survival instinct – so when we struggle to connect with those around us we feel the need to create false personas. And if weāre not careful we can lose ourselves in the process of this – particularly when it goes on for a very long time – and that is how we get lost…
And this is how I got lost.
Abusing substances made me feel safe, they provided comfort for me in shutting out the real world that I so struggled to fit into and find my place in. They allowed me to go to a place in my mind where I could be myself.
Looking back now I see my disordered eating and bulimia as a way to fit into societyās norms of what a āgoodā and attractive girl should look like. It also gave me a sense of control and an elusion of safety in a world that was uncontrollable and I therefore perceived to be unsafe.
My self harming?
It was something on the one hand I knew would be shocking to others and so believed it would prove my significance in the world (also a bit like my dramatic weight loss) but on the other hand it became something that soothed me.
I can recall a memory, in my late teens; I was up in my room late at night after drinking heavily and just crying and crying. I was desperate to not feel the way that I did. An idea popped into my head and I followed it and went downstairs to the kitchen to carefully select a knife. I brought it back up stairs and began slashing at my arms.
As the blood seeped out I remember feeling calmer – It felt that when the blood came out that the bad feelings came out too. And so I learned to soothe myself this way.
And that right there is the perfect example of how we can associate negative actions with positive emotions and sabotage our lives, and ourselves.
I had dropped out of Uni. I couldnāt hold down a job. I lost all my friends. I shut out my family. And had lost the property I was renting.
It was December 2009 and my sister had recently taken me in for a bit and allowed me to live with her… but she was at her wits end with me and I was on the fast track to rock bottom.
The night before I was admitted to The Priory I was at the bar of The Hilton in Park Lane hotel in London – it’s extremely tall building and the bar is located on the top floor with panoramic views over London – I was with my mum and weād just been at a Christmas charity lunch in the ballroom downstairs. It was an event we went to each year and normally a fun and happy occasion, but this time I just felt numb.
The darkness had completely consumed me.
The reality of the hole I was in had become apparent and honestly? I didnāt believe that there was a way out.
I looked out those windows in the sky and the only thing that made me feel something was the thought of walking off the top of that building and ending it all – it wasnāt the first time Iād had these thoughts and I’d been pulled off a bridge y the police in the early hours of the morning the year before, but this felt different.
I knew the drink and drugs didn’t work anymore and this was the only thought that made me feel any kinda of hope. It was the simplest way out I could see from all the pain and darkness.
If Iād been able to open those windows and get out would I have gone through with it? I donāt know.
But I was staying at my mumās house that evening, and in the cab ride home as I thought more about it I noticed a little voice pipe up in my head.
And it said:
āor you could try asking for help…?ā
And while fantasising about the relief of ending my life, that voice threw a spanner in the works as it sparked a bit of hope in me too and so I was confronted with 2 options.
With nothing to lose, I chose to listen to that voice and try to get better and live.
I pulled out my laptop when we got home that night and started looking at rehab facilities. I saw that the priory in North London (near my mumās house) offered free consultations and I was starting to believe there was another way out, and hope brewed inside me.
I knew if I left it until the morning then I would change my mind and so I braced myself for a difficult conversation and plucked up the courage to say the words:
āMum, I think I need some helpā
I didnāt even have to explain what I meant, she knew immediately what I meant and broke down in tears of relief – apparently, she had been trying to get me sectioned but as I was over the age of 18 there was nothing they could do – the next morning she drove me to the rehan centre for the consultation and I was admitted that day.
Now it wasnāt plain sailing when I came out – now was it when I was in there! – I stayed clean for a while after discharge but then I relapsed. I got clean again and relapsed again. And I liken myself to Bambi a bit learning how to walk again after coming out of rehab – constantly falling down and having to get back up again…
But every time I fell down and I push myself up again I got stronger. And it was through his process of falling/failing that I built my strength – I LEARNED to get better – and over time those relapses got further and further apart.
Again, I believe the alcohol and drugs were a symptom of my problem, not the problem. The problem was my mind, and as I worked more on reconfigurating my brain then the lesser the desire to use got.
I was attending meetings almost daily, I got a sponsor, and I started working throuh the 12 step programme with he. But around 6 months in I decided that I would like to try and do this another way.
My way.
This isnāt recommended: after all, my way took me to rehab in the first place!
But I felt that I didnāt want to rely on meetings for the rest of my life. I wanted to build a new life and start completely over. I wanted to build it on my terms and develop my own mental strength and resilience with no remnants of my past.
Of course, itās a big part of my story and I do not deny it.
Iāve done my best to make amends over the years with the people I upset and hurt – and although scary to do and reach out to people my messages were always appreciated, and people were very forgiving.
So despite all the emotional turmoil, I’m grateful for it all because it has shaped me into the person that I am today.
The darkness allowed me to recognise the light, and only through losing myself could I fully find myself. My mum said to me:
āyou put so much effort into sabotaging your life, if only you had channelled all that effort elsewhereā
And she was right. It wasn’t about dumbing me down, it was about rechannelling. And thatās exactly what I eventually did which resulted in me building my makeup career, establishing the agencies, writing my book, and moving into coaching and speaking.
I donāt deny any parts of me now. And I embrace my āweird wiringā
I actually welcome my addictive tendencies and simply channel them into worthwhile pursuits instead of self destructive ones which to date have been:
- business building and career development
- many a fitness challenges, including competitive bodybuilding for a couple of years
- writing a book in 3 months and learning how to communicate better and speak on stagesā¦
- and sooo much more!
With all of these things – and bit by bit – I improved my self-image, built my self-confidence, and shifted my mindset to further growth and expansion.
And instead of being hooked on drink and drugs, Iām now hooked on personal and professional development to better myself and my life and support others to do the same.
So I want you to know that there are always choices.
They may not be obvious at first but they are there.
You can always choose to look another way.
So a couple of my takeaways:
- You may not want to talk about your feelings or problems as you believe there is someone worse off than you, and while this may be true in some respects, it’s not in many others and what you have to understand and recognise is that YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. Our minds can make a mountain out of a molehill and itās what goes on in our minds that is important, not what things look like on the outside. A problem shared is always a problem halved in my book, and other peopleās perspectives are vital to shifting you out of your own.
That being said, sometimes we donāt need to talk about things, we just need to ālet the storm passā and not exacerbate the problem by hashing over it – people may encourage you to talk but you have to do what feels right to you.
2. While I did not do the 12-step programme, or continue attending meetings after the first year I do believe it works and itās great for some. I have referred people to the rooms over the years – some of whom are still there today – many years clean, charring meetings and feeling extremely grateful for their community and support.
3. Therapy is a wonderful. Iāve seen many therapists over the last 25 years – some are better than others – but like all relationships, a therapist will only work for you if you trust them and like them. If youāve tried therapy and didnāt like it, please try again with another therapist. And therapy will only work if you want it to. You canāt walk into therapy wanting to do things half your way, half theirs. You have to fully surrender. So find someone you will enjoy speaking to, vibe with, and who you feel you can trust.
4. Embrace your unique wiring – what works for others may not work for you so FIND what works for you and donāt let others tell you how things should be or sway you to be or do a certain way – carve out your own path – itās your birthright!
5. Bad days WILL happen. You cannot prevent them – it’s called life. And without the bad days we can’t get the bad (without darkness there is no light.) Other people and many events are outside of your control, but what is of most importance is how you respond to them. Again you always have a choice in how you respond. Do not allow anything – or anyone -to define you. Only you get to do that and you are allowed to redefine yourself whenever you like – You and your life is yours to be and do however you want to.
6. I know from not only myself, but all the people I have worked with that you are braver, smarter, and stronger than we give yourself credit for. So write that down and stick it somewhere where youāll read it every day – your subconscious will latch on it over time and youāll find yourself being braver, feeling stronger, and getting smarter.
7. You already have everything youāll ever need right inside of you so learn to trust your intuition. Journalling is a great tool for making sense or simply offloading what is going on inside your head and working out why you are feeling a certain way and what changes you can make. So pleasemake it a habit.
8. Remember to focus only on the things you can control – which isnāt a lot in life (which is kind of a relief in itself with less to manage in this every increasing busy world!)
Focus on what you have and not what you donāt. Focus on who you are, not what you are not. And rememberthat what other people think of you is none of your business.
Peopleās actions towards you speaks of them not you. Your actions towards others speaks more of you than them.
9. And one final thingā¦ Being out in nature is the ultimate tonic for life!
Itās grounding for us all – you donāt have to go wondering around bare foot and hugging trees (unless you want to!) – but if youāre feeling in a funk then just get outside, go for a walk, focus on natural things like the sky, the trees, the leaves, the grass, the birds, the insectsā¦ it will always make you feel better and calmer. Ensure walks outside feature daily, even if itās pissing down with rain and not enjoyable for the simple fact youāll be more grateful for the indoors when you get inside than you were having not left.
And practicing gratitude for the things you have is literally the key to happiness – I promise you!
If youāre in a dark place right now then know that there can be no darkness without light and you can find the light.
And if youāre feeling lost right now then that means you can be found.
If I can help you in anyway then please do reach out to me here or any of my social media platforms.
Always supporting you ā„ļø
Love, Cam xx
