I was at my wits end this time last year… I had a TOTAL meltdown while working at my mum’s house last February – which was my temporary office space in her attic when I closed my Highgate office – I just completely lost it while sitting at my laptop looking at my accounts and then (like something out of a horror movie or mental institution) I curled myself into a ball in the corner of the room, and howled and sobbed uncontrollably for hours before having to lie down because the entire side of my face was throbbing in pain – my gums, teeth, eye socket were aching on my left side… I’ve still no idea what that was but I will assume my mind and body was saying “enough already Camilla!!”
I felt lost. I couldn’t talk to anyone because no-one really understood me.
Don’t get me wrong, I had and still have a ridiculous amount of support with my wonderful friends and family but they just didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy with what I had.
This unrest I now know was a combination of two things;
1) Chasing after shiny/unobtainable things
2) Living, breathing and speaking so far away from my truth (apart from when I was drunk then it was all truth – I think?! – which just caused more confusion/anxiety/unrest the next day – talk about split personality!)
I knew fixing one of these would sort out the other. But it seemed like such a load of work, surely there was a quicker way??
Nope, I’ve tried all the quick fixes over the years and they did not work.
In my heart, I knew that it was time to do the work on myself and not distract myself with working anymore on the outside stuff.
And so my quest began.
It would take as long as it took and it would be what it would be.
Businesss/numbers/finance/status… all the things I (and society would have me) define myself by had to be let go of and disassociated with.
I needed to find people like me; so we could hash it out together.
I needed to find people that understood my weird, wacky (and sometimes over-ambitious) thought processes.
I needed to find a community that was on the same wavelength as me, who wanted from themselves the same as I wanted from myself.
I was still looking at business developement strategists last February (I got quotes from several individuals/companies on this at the same time) but I eventually found a program, a community disguised as a business accelerator, or vice versa – who knows? Who cares?
On the surface, the source of my frustration looked like a business or cash flow problem but in my heart, I knew it was a mindset and environment problem.
It was my biggest gamble to date.
I threw caution to the wind and embarked on a program that may have cost me 4 times as much as an alternative “quick fix” or “temporary solution” BUT it was the community aspect that sold it to me…
because I knew without the right people and support in my life, my mind was going to remain f*cked – my finances with it – and my attitude would further stink towards anything and everything going forward.
So to speed this story up, the long and the short is that I found that community and I have lasered into it further with the formation of a sh*t-hot accountability group whom I meet with every week at 6am on a Tuesday morning.
And so basically…
It’s just been one nuts year.
But I am finally free.
From the chains that really I only bound myself by.
I’m finally allowing myself to just be me.
I don’t know everything, but I do know a fair bit, and stuffing myself into ‘boxes’ is just selling myself short.
Makeup artistry is an art to me, you can create something out of nothing.
In fact, the harder the product to work with, the bigger the kick I get out of manipulating it with other materials (moisturiser/oil/gloss/powder/glitter etc..) which is why my clients aren’t often able to buy any one item I’ve used on them because I mix about 3 foundations, 2 or 3 lipsticks or sometimes 3 or 4 products in their cheeks to get what’s right for them – or what they are in the mood to wear/or what I am in the mood to create.
This is a process I’m passionate about and why I got into makeup artistry in the first place, yet, ￼society wants me to do the opposite, fit into boxes, specific brands, and their singular shades.
Every time I got asked about the shades of So and so’s latest lipstick or what I think of X, Y and Z brand my anxiety used to go into overdrive because I can’t tell someone that it’s pretty much all the same sh*t, I have to give them an answer they want, I am the professional after all, and I can’t go against the norm/palatable answers because if it’s too wacky then they’ll think I’m nuts and not work with me.
I won’t try to do that anymore for the sake of “appealing” to a broader range of clients.
I’m done pretending.
I’m done faking enthusiasm for different things that can be the same if you play with them.
And so here we are, a year later, having applied the same thought process of no longer turning to quick fixes or temporary solutions for my own life AND business problems.. to sorting my sh*t out and creating a book alongside (hello 5am writers club!) AGAINST my own industry to fully set myself, and others, free.